Between Hearts: A Romance Anthology Page 11

  Since that night, I’ve managed to hide all of this from Adam. I didn’t want to act on something until I knew I was absolutely ready. And I was. I am. There is only one small problem stopping me.

  Chapter Four

  Adam

  Skating off my ramp, I snap my board up with my heel and catch it. I walk towards Jamie who is looking off into the distance with a dazed expression on his face. It’s a look I know well, and for a few minutes I let myself fall back into my old habit of staring at him. His blond wavy sun-bleached hair floats in the breeze, framing his big green eyes, high cheekbones, and full lips. His sleeveless blue t-shirt clings to every muscle on his chest and his tan cargo shorts ride low on his hips, framing his long lean legs. He’s still the most beautiful person on the planet to me. For a while, Jamie was the star of all my fantasies. He was the absolute object of all my adolescent and teen desires. I used to want him so badly that my whole body would thrum with desire around him. I managed to hide it, and I hid it well, because Jamie is also the best friend I’ve ever had. I didn’t want to fuck that up. His friendship means more to me than a stupid crush I knew would never amount to anything.

  He’s straight and I am as gay as a Julie Andrew’s Sound of Music sing-along.

  I’d almost ruined it though, one night a few months ago, when I’d let myself touch him in a moment of weakness.

  We had been swimming for hours. As we climbed out of the pool and stood on the deck, my eyes fixed on the way the moonlight reflected right on the small of his back, right above his hip bone. My mouth had watered and before I even realized what I was doing, my hand was there, right on that spot. He looked at me with a mixture of confusion and horror, and I’d ripped my hand away. I think he felt my embarrassment so he gave me an awkward hug, then pushed me in the pool and jumped in afterwards. After that, he left so fast he practically left skid marks.

  That was the night I decided once and for all to stop lusting after Jamie Sellers.

  I went online and visited every gay teen forum I could find. I left comments and flirted with anyone who was game, and even some who weren’t. I didn’t want to get laid. I just wanted to finally stop liking Jamie in the way that he could never like me back. His friendship was enough. More than enough.

  Then, a week later, while I was fucking around on a Reddit gaming thread, I met Mikey.

  Chapter Five

  Jamie

  I turn around and catch Adam looking at me with a weird look on his face. His dark hair and eyes clash with his pale skin and red lips. I can’t read his look well, and it’s frustrating, so I grab my board, jump on it, and skate over to the ramp. On my way, I catch him in a headlock that drags him a couple of feet as he tries to escape my grasp. The mere act of touching him, even in horseplay, kind of turns me on, but I don’t know what to do with that, so I let him wrestle away from me. We spend the next hour and a half listening to his old school punk rock mix and killing it on the ramp until I bust my ass. Then, we raid the kitchen, destroy some leftover lasagna his housekeeper made, and head back to his room.

  “You wanna play FIFA Soccer or COD?”

  He gives me a sheepish look, and I can tell he’s trying not to smile.

  “Umm, I’m supposed to Skype with Mikey in 15 minutes, so I’m gonna jump in the shower real quick. You go ahead and do whatever you want.”

  And here we go again. Fucking Mikey.

  Adam met Mikey a couple of months ago online and now they are hardcore crushing on each other. Ignoring the twist in my gut, I nod and start up FIFA while he heads to the bathroom. I’ve been around while they’ve Skyped before, so I wait, like an asshole.

  I know I should just go. He’s got a Skype date, and I’ve been dismissed.

  I don’t want to leave though, or, I can’t?

  I’m so close to telling Adam how I feel that the thought of leaving him to flirt with Mikey is physically painful. I lean back on his bed and make myself at home because I AM at home here. This is my turf dammit. I planned on us playing video games for a while. Then I would eventually try to slide closer into his space until our arms were touching. Then maybe closer until our bodies were pretty much pressed together, and then maybe—maybe I could tell him.

  Right as this thought crosses my mind, Adam comes out of his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Hot steam is still hovering over his body and my dick starts to thicken. Shit. We’ve been best friends for so long and this exact scenario has happened so many times but I’ve never really noticed the way he looks right after a shower. Pale skin, with a light dusting of curly hair that is still wet covering his chest, which is flushed from the heat of the shower. Toned, wiry muscles and another trail of wet hair that leads down to where the towel is tied. Thank God I don’t have too much time to think about it though, because while I’m checking him out and getting a chub, his computer dings.

  We both look up to see Mikey phoning in on Skype.

  Fucking Mikey.

  Adam starts to towel off faster and rushes to his closet.

  “Can you get that Jamie? I need a minute to get dressed? Just answer and talk to him for a second, please?”

  Jesus fucking Christ.

  I bring myself over to the screen and meet eyes with Mikey, who has suddenly become my arch nemesis.

  “Heyyy!!” Mikey says in his usual over-exuberant, effeminate voice.

  The thing is, I want to hate Mikey. But I can’t. His big green eyes and curly red hair are charming enough. He has all these freckles on his dimpled cheeks, and he’s fucking funny, like really hilarious. When he smiles…it lights up his whole face. I’m not attracted to him, although I have no doubt why Adam is, and that sucks…for me.

  “Hi Mikey,” I say trying my best to fake it. He leans back, tilts his head to the side, and puts his hand to his chest in an overly dramatic gesture.

  “Oh, it’s Adam’s hot surfer friend. Hello gorgeous, but it’s your dark haired beautiful BFF I really wanna talk to.” His eyes scan the space around me as he searches for Adam in the background.

  Ok, maybe I can hate him after all.

  “He’s getting dressed, he’ll be right bac…” and before I can finish my sentence, Adam shoos me off the chair and takes my place on the screen. I’m stuck standing there watching them greet each other like an asshole. Mikey’s reaction is instant.

  “Hey, sweetie,” he coos, blinking those enormous green eyes into the camera. “There you are. I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

  Adam immediately blushes and it breaks my heart into eight thousand pieces. I should be happy for him. This is what I’ve always wanted for Adam. I want him to feel happy and wanted.

  Instead, I just feel crushed, and confused, and sad that I am being incredibly selfish right now. I also feel guilty that I haven’t been honest with him about what’s going on with me.

  I stand there for a while and watch them chat about their day. Mikey’s helping his high school cheerleading team choreograph their latest dance routine and Adam seems rapt with attention.

  Really? I thought you hated cheerleaders? I thought you hated pop rock?

  These questions makes me feel like a judgmental ass, so I know right then I need to get the hell out of here. I start gathering my things and walking towards the door.

  He barely even hears me as I say goodbye and start to leave his room.

  “Jamie? You going?”

  I stop in the doorway and my heart skips a beat. Maybe he’ll ask me just to wait a few more minutes until he finishes his Skype. Then we can do our normal Friday night thing and play some video games until we both pass out.

  “Yeah, I might as well swing by that party; if you’re going to be on the computer for a while.” I hope he can hear the hesitation and disappointment in my voice.

  “Alright,” he says, looking a little guilty. The relieved look on his face guts me. “See you tomorrow. Come by after you finish surfing?”

  My heart drops as far as it possibly can. It might be in my
ankles, I’m not sure.

  Making matters worse, from Adams laptop I hear a sing-songy voice ring out.

  “Bye, Adam’s hottie straight surfer friend, have a good night.”

  “Bye,” I manage a small wave to both of them.

  Adam turns back to the screen before I even exit the door. Ouch.

  I crank Radiohead as loud as possible in my car on the way home and play back the last few months of my life. Holy fuck, I need to talk to someone. Like soon. I think I know who it is, I just hope luck is on my side at the beach tomorrow.

  Chapter Six

  Jamie

  I surf until the salt water stings my eyes and I’m close to blind. I wade out of the water to see a very blurry Ben sitting back on his elbows watching me. We meet eyes and he waves me over. I’m glad he’s here and I’m glad he’s alone. Ben’s basically been glued to his girlfriend, Sheena’s, side since they started dating last year. She’s a cool chick, and a kick-ass surfer, but it’s nice sometimes to just chill with your boys. Plus, I really need to talk to someone and he’s the perfect person. I head over, dry off and plop down on the towel I lay next to his. He opens up his cooler and offers me a variety of beverages. I never bring shit out to the beach when I surf except a towel and my board. Ben’s always prepared. If the apocalypse comes, I’m headed straight to wherever he is. I grab a Mountain Dew and an apple, mentally preparing myself for this conversation. I can already feel my heart beat faster in anticipation of what I’m about to say.

  “Killin’ it as usual, Jamie.” Ben says, as he reaches out to slap my hand.

  “Uh huh, thanks. Is Sheena meeting you out here?” I just want to make sure we’re alone for a while before I even start this convo.

  “Nope. She’s working tonight.”

  Good.

  “How it’s going man?” I ask before taking a big bite of the apple, which is like half of it because I have a big caveman mouth that Adam always makes fun of.

  My heart is pounding now.

  Fuck, this is nerve-racking.

  “Meh, it’s alright.” Ben shrugs, “I feel a little off. Like I’m unsettled for a reason I can’t exactly place.”

  I’m temporarily shaken out of my own thoughts for a second at Ben’s answer. I expected him to say he was cool like he always does, and then I could start to spill my guts to him. I consider it for a second, then reply.

  “Makes sense dude. You’re a Sagittarius and the sun is in Aries right now. That’s your opposite sign. Give it a week and you should be fine again once we’re in Taurus.” My mom is a yoga instructor and New Age freak. I’ve been drinking the astrology Kool-Aid since birth. This makes total sense to me, although I’m a little surprised when I hear Ben’s response.

  “YES! Exactly what I was thinking!” He says and looks at me, and for a second I’m fooled, then I realize…he’s fucking with me. His eyes are kind though, and he gives me a soft punch to the shoulder. I can’t do anything but laugh. Looking out into the beautiful California sunset, I try to swallow the huge lump in my throat.

  “Can I talk to you about something heavy?” My voice comes out a lot more strangled than I intended. I’ve been alone in my thoughts with this for a few months and this will be the first time that I actually say it out loud, to anyone. I feel like my heart is beating louder than the waves crashing into the sand. My hands are sweating and a little shaky. The Mountain Dew I’m holding slips and falls onto the towel in a fizzy caffeinated mess. I manage to grab it before the whole thing spills, but the damage is done.

  Ben’s eyes go from the spill on the towel up to meet mine with a concerned look.

  “Absolutely. Lay it on me.”

  I take a deep breath and speak.

  “It’s about Adam,” I say. Ben nods immediately. I’m sure he’s thinking I’m gonna talk about how I’m worried about Adam and his anxiety issues again, but that’s not where this conversation is headed.

  “I like him.”

  “Yeah, I know. What’s going on with him?”

  I shake my head, “No Ben, I mean, I like him, like him.”

  He still looks confused. He creases his brown eyes and tilts his head to the side, staring at me like I’m a piece of abstract art at a museum that just doesn’t make sense. Then he gets it. I can see the puzzle pieces practically snapping into place.

  “Wow. Really? So you’re telling me you’re gay?” He asks me with absolutely no judgment in his voice whatsoever.

  I’ve been nervously raking my hands through the sand. I grab a fist full of it and watch it fall through my fingers before I look back up at him.

  “Not exactly,” I say. Ben goes back to looking confused and so I attempt to explain as best I can what the last few months have been like. I tell him everything. I tell him about the first night I felt something for Adam, then about all the times after that. I tell him how after letting myself acknowledge that I’m attracted to guys, it’s totally awakened that side of me. Adam is who I like, he’s who I want, although he’s definitely not the only guy I‘ve been checking out. It’s like as soon as my dick realized it was equal opportunity, it started behaving like a little kid in a candy shop. All I can see are tight asses attached to long muscular thighs, smooth perky boobs, the outline of a bulge under gym shorts, the sway of a girl’s hips beneath her short skirts. Sex. It was everywhere and my dick wanted all of it. Ben interrupts me here, I’m assuming to attempt to bring some humor into this otherwise intense conversation.

  “So, you’re telling me you’ve been checking out my ass, Jamie?” He cocks his eye and grins at me.

  I shake my head and flip him off.

  “Nah, dude.” I lie because of course I’ve checked out his ass and the rest of his body. Ben is hot. Even before I was into guys, I’d noticed how good looking he was, but I’m not even going there. Not for one second. Ben’s straight and that’s how he’ll always be. The dude’s like a one-stop vagina shop.

  “So, you’re bisexual.” Ben states, like it’s nothing, and he holds my gaze so hard it’s almost like he knows this will be the first time I’ve ever admitted it.

  “Yes, that appears to be the case,” I concur, and Ben nods.

  “I’m Bi.” I say it for the first time ever out loud. Then I let out a long breath and half of the weight of the world goes with it.

  “Well, you know I’m alright with whoever you are, and I’ll always have your back Jamie. That includes the rest of the guys too. If anyone has issues with you and Adam, be sure to let me know.”

  Then he does something that catches me completely off guard. He leans over and pulls me in for a tight hug. I hug him back quickly, but when I try to pull away he doesn’t release me, he just holds on tighter. When I realize he’s not letting go, I feel a lump form in my throat and a prickle start behind my eyes. My grip tightens. I press my face into his shoulder and a few silent tears soak into Ben’s t-shirt. I didn’t even really realize how badly I needed this, and it feels good. It’s been so fucking hard dealing with this all on my own without telling a single soul. I couldn’t tell my mom because she’s so gay-friendly, she’d be organizing her own PFLAG Chapter before I could even finish my sentence. I knew I’d have her support, I just wasn’t quite ready for it. I couldn’t tell Adam, not yet. Ben releases me, and I pull away and wipe my eyes.

  “Thanks B,” I say, clearing my throat.

  Ben’s eyes look a little glossy too as he sits back on his towel.

  “Proud of you Jamie, always will be,” he says, and damn if my eyes don’t start to water again. He gets up and starts to dig around in his cooler pulling out two individually wrapped sticks of cheddar cheese.

  “You want a cheese stick?”

  For some reason, given the nature of the conversation we just had, this sounds like the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I start cracking up and so does he. Now my eyes are watering for a totally different reason. I yank the cheese stick from him and unwrap it when something Ben said earlier pops into my mind.

/>   “Hey, why’d you say if anyone had issues with me and Adam to let you know?”

  “Because, I’d like the opportunity to engage them in some diplomatic discourse before I put them on smack down,” he laughs.

  “No, I meant, why me and Adam, like we would automatically be together?”

  Ben looks puzzled, “Well, you’re gonna tell him about this right? That you like him? You have to.”

  “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we’ll end up together. He might not feel the same way. He could friend-zone me, or tell me I’m not his type, or to fuck off, or something.” The thought of this just makes my stomach roll, though I know it’s a very real possibility.

  Ben starts to laugh. “Geez Jamie. You really do have your head up your ass sometimes. That dude’s been in love with you since middle school. Anyone with half a brain in their head could see that.”

  I’m pretty sure he just inadvertently insulted me, but I blow past it.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, because I’m genuinely confused.

  Ben just stares at me again, almost the same way he did at the start of this conversation when I told him I liked Adam.

  “You’ve really never noticed? I catch him staring at you all the damn time. He follows you around like a puppy dog, and you’re like the only person he really smiles around. I thought you knew and I figured you guys had an understanding or something. Since you’re straight, or were, anyway. I think you telling him you like him is probably going to make him really happy, so yeah, I am expecting you guys to get together.”

  Now my mind is really blown. Could Ben be right? He usually is. Yet how could I have never noticed it? Not once? I think about the way Adam looked a little sad the other day when I called him bro, and I wonder if that’s why. And that moment at his pool. Holy fuck. Maybe he has liked me all along. Maybe. Not anymore. Right now it’s pretty damn clear who he’s into, and it’s not me.