Between Hearts: A Romance Anthology Read online

  When I unfold the paper, my fingers trace Zac’s words before I read them, searching for one more connection, one last touch.

  Lilly,

  I don’t know what will happen today. I may never wake from this.

  I never really told you the whole truth about me, and for that, I’m sorry. I didn’t want any shadows hanging between us. I have a feeling you knew all along that there was something more, and you never said anything so we could keep the illusion that everything was okay.

  Time has run out for me. This is my last chance—my only chance. I hope it’s enough. I hope my body will accept this gift of life. I pray that God, the Universe, Fate or whoever is out there watching had a plan all along, and this is not the final chapter but the first one, and all that I lived up to this point was just the prequel for an amazing adventure. I hope that adventure will always include you.

  You are my reason to be.

  My reason to breathe.

  The reason my stubborn, broken heart still beats.

  If not for you, I would have given up long ago. I often wondered if living half a life was any better than not living at all, but then all I had to do was see your face, look into your eyes, and watch you smile, and I had my answer. I could not give up on myself without also giving up on you, and that I will never do.

  I want to thank you for being my rock, my light in the dark, the breath in my lungs, and the beat of my heart. The reason I hold on. Thank you for sharing yourself with me, for giving me the gift of you—your smiles, your words, your touch, your body, your love.

  My mother gave birth to me and the doctors tried to fix me, but you? You give me a reason to live. You give me bliss, you give me joy, and you give me love.

  How can I ever repay you? Nothing will ever be enough to say how much I love you and what you mean to me. Just know that my every breath is yours. I breathe for you.

  You have nine wishes left. Read one every hour until you can see me again. But please don’t open the last wish just yet.

  If I wake up, I will tell you when to open the last wish. If I don’t, then just keep it in the jar as my last gift to you and know that I love you, even with my broken heart. I always have and I always will. And wherever fate takes me, you will be with me, forever a part of my soul.

  I love you Lilly.

  Until we meet again.

  Love,

  Zac

  P.S. Open wish #9.

  #9: I wish for you to know that even when

  I am not with you, I still am

  Wish #10

  Lilly

  I sit on the floor for a long time, tears streaming down my face, until the words in the letter are blurry.

  I read it again and again, trying to see something different, find something other than a goodbye. Zac never says goodbye to me, not ever. It has always been “See you later.” This letter reads a lot like a goodbye.

  The pain I feel right now is brutal. It slashes me right open and tears me piece-by-piece until there is nothing left but raw desperation and blinding hope.

  Two opposing emotions battle, each taking a turn, fighting to prevail. I hold on to hope and push my fears down, but they climb back up inside my chest, claw at my throat, and rip out of me on a silent scream. I bite down on the back of my hand to muffle the horrible sound of my soul breaking apart.

  I understand now. I get a small glimpse of what Zac was trying to spare me. My heart shatters for him. I pull the jar from my backpack and find the next wish and laugh. Only Zac could make me laugh in a moment like this.

  #10: I wish that our parents were

  heavier sleepers so we could sneak

  into each other’s room.

  Wish #11

  Lilly

  I go back to the waiting room after finding a bathroom to wash my face. I sit across from Zac’s parents again. His mother looks at me and sees my swollen and red eyes. Something akin to regret crosses her face before being replaced with worry. His father smiles at me, and I try to smile back but fail.

  I curl myself into a ball on the chair and close my eyes. A while later, the nurse from earlier comes in and tells us that everything is progressing as expected. She doesn’t give us any details. She’s not in the OR. She’s just the messenger. There are several more hours to go, and we should go get something to eat. She will find us in the cafeteria if is there any news.

  She walks to me and squeezes my shoulder again and whispers, “A little while longer.”

  She winks at me and turns to leave, but before she does, I look at the nametag on her scrubs and read her name: Faith.

  Is it an omen of what’s to come? That I should have faith? I’ve never been a big believer in anything other than what my eyes can see, but Zac is. He believes that life has a purpose greater than anyone can imagine. Zac believes in fate.

  When the hour is up, I go to my hiding spot in the atrium and read my next wish.

  Wish #11: I wish for you to know that if I had

  been given the choice between having a perfect heart or having you in my life,

  I would choose you again and again.

  Wish #12

  Lilly

  I wake up with a gentle hand on my shoulder. The nurse is back. I look up at her and then around me. I’m on the floor. I must have fallen asleep. I sit up.

  “Come, Lilly,” she says in a grandmotherly way.

  At first, in my sleepy state, I’m surprised that she knows my name, and then I remember that she’s the one who gave me the letter and it had my name on it.

  She takes my hands and helps me off the floor. Her hands are soft but strong. She has kind eyes and beautiful chocolate skin. A few gray strands peek through her short, dark hair. She has one of those faces that’s impossible to guess her age.

  We walk to cluster of chairs around a low table. I stretch as we walk, my back sore from falling asleep on the hard, cold floor. She hands me a tissue from the box on the table, and when I raise my eyes in question, she replies, “for your face, child.”

  I touch my cheeks, and I’m surprised to find that they are damp from crying in my sleep.

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you Zac’s nurse? Have you heard anything yet?”

  “I’m not his nurse. Everything is okay as far as I can tell. I’m on call at the nurse’s station today, but I spoke with him briefly before he was taken in for surgery.”

  Thinking of Zac makes me smile. “Did he say anything when he gave you the letter?”

  “He told me he had a beautiful girl waiting for him and asked me to make sure you ate something.”

  That makes me smile again. “It’s so much like Zac to ask someone to take care of me when he’s about to go into surgery.”

  She smiles a big smile. “What a lovely boy you got yourself, Lilly.”

  She grabs a plastic bag from the table and hands me a water bottle and a package of cookies. I take the water but shake my head at the cookies. She doesn’t take no for an answer.

  “Now, now. I promised that handsome young boy I would make sure you drink and eat something. Go on now.”

  I obey because I have no fight left in me. When she’s satisfied that I had enough, she leaves me.

  #12: I wish that you will always have the strength to fight for what you believe in.

  Wish #13

  Lilly

  The next person to find me is Zac’s dad. He surprises me by sitting on the floor next to me. He doesn’t say anything for a while but puts an arm around me and hugs me.

  “I’m sorry for what Therese said to you. She really didn’t mean any of it. She’s been so stressed thinking about Zac turning eighteen in six months.”

  “Why would Zac’s birthday stress her?”

  “You don’t know?”

  I look at him. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

  “I guess Zac never told you.”

  “Told me what?”

  “That’s his life expectancy. The doctor said if he didn’t find a donor
by eighteen, he would die. The medications, the tests, the therapies. Everything we tried started to fail. That’s why Therese got so upset with you.”

  I feel the color draining from my face.

  That’s one more thing Zac kept from me. How many secrets did he keep to himself? How much of his pain did he hide from me?

  How could I have been so blind to it? I want to be angry—at myself and at him—but I have nothing left but fear and hope. I feel stupid and selfish for never having seen it, for never having guessed.

  Our whole lives together, all I knew was that he had a heart condition and could not exercise.

  When we were kids, I never questioned any of it. I believed what I was told. I had no reason to doubt any of it. I never imagined it was this serious. Why would I? I trusted Zac implicitly. I know he didn’t like talking about it, so I never pushed.

  He was always happy, and that was enough for me.

  But now, looking back, I can see all the little clues. All the visits to the hospital. The last surgery is what I remember most vividly. We were twelve. I thought it fixed him. That’s what my parents told me. That Zac needed a surgery to fix his heart, and he would be okay after it.

  I believed them. I had no reason not to.

  His dad pats my shoulder and gets up. “I’ll go back and sit with Therese. You don’t have to stay here. You can come and sit with us.”

  I nod but don’t say anything. When he’s gone, I open another wish.

  #13: I wish for no more secrets between us.

  Wish #14

  Lilly

  I have three more wishes to go. I cheated a little and didn’t quite wait the full hour for a couple of the wishes but I know Zac will forgive me. He knows I’m not much of a rule follower.

  I’m not counting the last one. I have to wait for Zac to open that one. I’m still in the same spot as before. It’s been over four hours since we got here. My butt is numb from sitting on the cold gray tile floor for so long.

  I get up and walk about on weak, trembling legs. My whole body aches, but it is nothing in comparison to the big ache in my chest. I press a hand to it and feel the steady and strong beat of my heart and will Zac’s new heart to beat just as strongly.

  Please, please, please. I beg to a God I never prayed to before. I don’t know how to pray. My family is not religious, so I beg instead. I chant again and again while walking around the atrium.

  Please.

  Please.

  Please.

  Some people look at me with curiosity, but I don’t meet their eyes. I think about going back to my hiding spot but find a big, comfortable chair instead. I turn the chair so it faces away from the few people around.

  My eyes drift between the plants and trees inside and the trees outside, visible through the large glass panels. I watch a bird fly by, against the darkening blue sky.

  The beautiful summer day mocks me. It shouldn’t be such a beautiful day when I’m holding on by a thread, watching my dreams of a future with Zac fall apart. No! I stop myself. I stop the dark path my thoughts trail down. I replace them with happy memories instead.

  Our first kiss in the ocean just a few weeks ago and every kiss after. So perfect. I often find myself touching my lips with my fingertips when I’m alone in my room, reliving each moment. I have loved Zac my entire life. When did our friendship turn into more? I don’t know, but it was long before that kiss on the beach.

  It will be nightfall soon enough. I text Mom and let her know where I am and what’s happening. A minute later, I get a response. She wants to come over, but I tell her no. Mom knows me well enough to understand that this is something I need to do alone. I could not bear her watching me break apart. I guess I’m more like Zac than I realized.

  We both want to protect those we love from our pain. Mom just asks me to keep her informed. She doesn’t even say anything about my being here. She knows there is no other place I’d rather be.

  I check the time again and open another wish.

  Wish #14: I wish you a life filled with

  beautiful memories.

  Wish #15

  Lilly

  Another hour goes by. I stay in my big, comfortable chair in the atrium. My still numb butt thanks me.

  My eyes are closed but I’m not sleeping. I’m daydreaming about Zac, about our future together. Us, going back to school in the fall as more than friends this time, picking colleges together.

  I envision what it would be like to be away from home and from our parents, how much fun it would be. No one to tell us what we can and can’t do. Just us and the path ahead. I’m lost in my thoughts when I feel someone watching me. I open my eyes.

  Therese stands in front of me. She doesn’t say a word, but I can read the sorrow in her eyes.

  My eyes fill with tears. “I love him,” I hear myself say.

  She takes a step closer. She brushes a lock of hair behind my ear, then leaves, never having said a word. But I hear the apology anyway. I read the next wish, and my smile breaks through the tears.

  #15: I wish I could give you a life free of pain,

  but knowing that’s not possible,

  I wish you will always know when to hold on, when to forgive, and when to let go.

  Wishless

  Zac

  Wish #16

  Lilly

  It’s been six hours, two more than the expected time for the surgery. I tell myself everything is okay. I haven’t seen the nurse again, nor Zac’s parents. I go into the waiting room and find them holding each other and crying. I look around, and a doctor is leaving the room.

  No, no, no, no. It can’t be. I have to go. I have to go now. I can’t be here and watch his parents crying. I run back to the atrium and drop to the floor in my original hiding spot.

  My hands are shaking so hard, I can barely hold the jar.

  I will myself to calm down. Set the jar on the floor.

  Fist my hands to stop the trembling.

  My heart thunders.

  Tears blind me.

  No.

  No.

  No.

  I rip open the backpack and find Zac’s hoodie. Bury my face in it.

  His familiar scent envelopes me.

  Breathe.

  Breathe.

  Breathe.

  I inhale Zac’s smell like a junkie looking for my next fix.

  I need him.

  I need him.

  I need him.

  Please.

  Please.

  Please.

  I can’t do this.

  I can’t do this.

  I can’t do this.

  I have to.

  I have to.

  I have to.

  I read the next wish.

  #16: I wish I had said how much I love you, and I hope you know I do. I have no regrets except not having more time to love you.

  Epilogue

  Four years later

  “Happy birthday, Lilly.”

  She turns in my arms and nuzzles my neck before looking at me, a smile already on her face. Her fingers trace the scar down my chest.

  “I’m twenty-one now.”

  I smile. “I know.”

  “I’m not a little girl anymore.” She quotes herself, repeating the words she said four years ago on the beach back home in South Carolina. The words she’s said to me every year since, when I wish her a happy birthday.

  “No, you’re not.” I play along. Her hand continues down my chest to my stomach and traces the thin line of hair going down until she wraps her hand around my dick, already hard for her.

  It’s past midnight, and we already had a celebratory pre-birthday romp between the sheets, but my not-so-little girl is always ready for more. My heart beats strong in my chest, and it’s filled with love for her.

  Two years ago, we met the family of my donor. It was very emotional. He was a college student and a soccer player who was killed by a drunk driver in a car accident.

  His heart was a perfect match.
The doctors said it could only have been a more perfect fit if I had been born with it. His parents and siblings hugged me and cried when they listened to his heart beating in my chest. His name was also Zachary, and I have to wonder about the hand of fate again.

  I may only be twenty-one, but when I look back, I see a pattern, an unfolding. I see that fate had as much to do with my survival as it had to do with my near death.

  Living under the shadow of never knowing if tomorrow would come made me a great observer of life. I paid attention. I saw the connections, the way the universe unfolded like puzzle pieces just waiting to fall together, to fit perfectly to form a new picture.

  I tangle my hand in Lilly’s hair and pull her face closer, her lips already parted and hungry for mine. We kiss slowly and deep, tasting, teasing, biting. She giggles into my mouth, and I drink up the sound. I will never tire of her. I will never have enough of this girl. My girl. The only girl I’ve ever kissed, the only girl I’ve ever loved and touched. A girl who had been made for me, my savior, my reason to breathe. I believe that.

  She was born five months after me and lived next door. She was my playmate, my friend, my lover, my partner in life, the one who kept my old, broken heart beating, and the one who keeps my new heart fluttering still.

  I move on top of her and kiss a trail down her body, tasting her, trying to move slowly, but she won’t have it.

  “Now, Zac. I need you now.”

  I smile and move up her body, bracing myself on either side of her and lacing our fingers the way she likes me to. “Greedy girl.”